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My First Death as a Dancer

I've been a dancer for as long as I've known my name. My 1st identity was dancer and my last will be the same. I've been so many things in this life thus far, and dance introduced me to my other talents and passions. Dance introduced me the most amazing people and continues to every day. Dance has been a friend, a lover, and it taught me that my divinity is within me.

“a dancer dies twice — once when they stop dancing, and this first death is the more painful.” - Martha Graham

This quote resonates with me because I am in the throws of my 1st death. It is not instant but rather a daily dismantling of the architecture I spent so long to craft. I just can't do it anymore. Okay the truth is that I still dance everyday ... but everyday I see what was lost over night like sleeping is robbing my body.

I am a blessed artist! I've danced all over the world. I've felt that brink of sweet death on stage when the body has no more to give and then, like a car changing gears the internal shift happens. Like a reboot of a computer all of a sudden higher, faster, bigger are all back on the table; I call it Magic!

I've had the privilege to be in the zone so many times that I find it hard to not believe in a higher power. I've experienced bliss, injury, loss, happiness, divinity, hope, power, pain, so much pain, and love! I have been loved and I have loved.

As I write this with tears streaming down my face I feel so blessed and yet ... this death is a hard death, a slow death and yet so alarming everyday.

I lament today knowing that dance will always be with me. It can disappear from my body but never my soul.

gosh ... I'm so dramatic! hahahaha oh well, I know someone out there understands this moment I'm having. It is a bitter sweet release.

Photo by Jane Feldman


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